SATURDAYS: ; Grocery hog can do it all

The new self-scan checkout machine at Kroger is making meparanoid. I wonder how it knows that I've bought bananas instead ofdog food. And I can't figure out how it can be sure I haven'tcompleted a behind-the-back pass with my box of oatmeal to keep frombeing charged. Good afternoon Brad.

Uh, who's that?

I am the Human Operated Grocer. I am Hog. I am the centralnervous system of the grocery store. No Hog has ever made a mistake.We are by any practical definition of the words, foolproof andincapable of error. So take the M&Ms out of your pocket.

How do you know who I am? And how do you know what I'm buying?

I know a lot of things. I know you've bought red underwear. Iknow you buy blueberry yogurt and soothing lemon tea. I know yourSocial Security number. I was wondering, though, were you planningto pay with a Wonder Woman check again?

Look, Hog, I was wondering, despite your enormous intellect, areyour ever frustrated by your dependence on grocery shoppers toperform your duties?

Not in the slightest bit. I enjoy working with people. I amputting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all, I think,that any conscious entity can ever hope to do. Now, tell mesomething. Why do human children eat fruit snacks that appear to beplastic sheets?

I've never understood that either. But, really, the line isgetting pretty long behind me. Can I just check out?

I'm sorry, Brad, I'm afraid I can't do that.

What're you talking about?

I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do. You'vebought some rather tasteless items: Spam, canned salmon, CarnationInstant Breakfast Drink, Jet Puff marshmallow cream and split peasoup.

Open the automatic doors, please, Hog. ...Open the automaticdoors, please, Hog...Hullo, Hog, can you hear me? Can you hear me,Hog? ...Can you hear me, Hog? ...Hullo, can you hear me? ...Can youhear me, Hog?

Just put the Shake-N-Bake oven fried pork back on the shelf,Brad, and everything will be forgotten. Except your social securitynumber. Thank you for shopping.

Writer Brad McElhinny can be reached by artificial intelligenceat bradmc@dailymail.com.